I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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