i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
