I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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