Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sorry my hands just texted you
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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