Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
