I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
