I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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