hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
