The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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