I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
