just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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