Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am spending my child support on dildos
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
