True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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