I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
