sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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