dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
