Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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