Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize