I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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