I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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