k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
