a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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