There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
