I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
