u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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