Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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