thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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