The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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