so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
