My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
