could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
