From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
