I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
