just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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