i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
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I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
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you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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