I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
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And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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