Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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