I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
