4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
