when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
