And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
