I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
