apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
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I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
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I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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