I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
