I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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