Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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