I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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