dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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