Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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