I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
