Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
