when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
