my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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