someone threw a dead crab at me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
