Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
